Wednesday, August 10, 2011

I love you this big

So in the past week, I went from this:

Showing off the muffin top (hey, it was baby tummy in the making!) Being very excited, and once again very surprised that I was expecting our 4th baby!
............................................nothing. Just me again.
I miscarried on Tuesday, at roughly 6 weeks along. I had been feeling fine, a little crampy that morning, but nothing big. I ran errands all around town for a couple hours, getting ready for Sydney's 2nd birthday party, feeling about the same. But when I got home the cramping intensified, and when I used the restroom there was bright red spotting, along with some lower back pain. This isn't my first rodeo - I know that brown is okay, light pink is fine, but bright red is bad. So I called my doc - I still hadn't made an appointment, because I knew they would want to wait until around 10 weeks anyway - but just to see what they thought. In the time it took for them to call back I had started bleeding pretty heavily, and when I spoke with the nurse, I said " I don't need you to confirm it, I know what's going on." I went to my room, and said a prayer and cried for a couple minutes. Then, told myself to get it together, because there was nothing to be done for it, and there were quite a few people coming over for Syd's party. Kevin got home and though I had talked to him on the phone, telling him in person was so hard. His face just fell. The rest of the night passed in a blur, and when night came, I just felt numb. Today however, has been full of emotions. Mainly, "was this my fault?" I ran with a team last weekend for the Cascade Lakes Relay, and the 12 of us ran a total of 216.6 miles from Diamond Lake to Bend. I can claim 12.5 of those miles. I can't help but wonder if I pushed it too hard, or if my lackadaisical attitude towards this pregnancy caused me to do too much in general in life. From everything I've read, miscarriages in the first 12 weeks show a problem with the fetus, whether in implanting, or in the chromosomes, but not with the mother. That's comforting, but it's really hard to shut the voice in my head up sometimes, that says in a small way that I've failed. I've taken my mom's advice today though, and let myself mourn the loss of what could have been. I put housework, and all other things to the side, and just played with my children and enjoyed them and the cute and funny things they do. I look at them and see so much joy and happiness - they make everything right.
Kevin also took me out tonight, we went to Fred Myer at the bakery counter (don't judge! Everything there is delicious!) where we got these treats,

then went to the park to just be together and talk. I am so grateful for him - even when he drives me insane - he is my best friend, and he reminds me again and again we are always in - whatever it may be - it together.
It's a very hard things to describe your feelings when you miscarry. And I don't want to go on and on, because really, I could. But I choose to focus on the bright side of this. First of all, this has shown us that we really aren't done having kids. We thought for sure that 3 was our max - but when we found out I was pregnant, we were over the moon. We're not done after all. Maybe not for a little while, but definitely not done. And secondly, it confirms our faith and belief of eternal families. That baby, whether boy or girl, is mine. Ours. For all eternity if we live the Lord's commandments, and I want to hold him or her in my arms. While I may not get the chance to do that here, I know that I can. I heard this song on the radio on the way home, and the end lyrics are what I would say to this baby:

I Love You This Big lyrics

So much bigger than I ever dreamed my heart ever would
I love you this big
And I'd write your name in stars across the sky
If I could, I would

I love you this big
Oh, eyes have never seen... this big
No-one's ever dreamed... this big
And I'll spend the rest of my life
Explaining what words cannot describe but, I'll try
I love you this big